I really haven't done my fair share of grocery shopping (read:none at all) so no one but me is to blame for the following story.
When I came home from class today I was starving. Left-overs from last night? Nope. Milk? Eggs? Nada. Anything in the fridge worth eating? At all? Hell no!
Hummm. Hum. Hummmm. Laaaaaa. Laa. La... Nothing in the cabinets either. Damn! I peek around the kitchen door toward the pantry a mere eight feet away. There's a problem lying between me and the yummy yummy food inside that door. I smelled the poly when I got home but my fears were now confirmed as I hatefully stare at the blue painters tape marking exactly where I can and can't walk. Josh finished the new floors today. And guess where I can't walk!! Gahhh!
Fine. I return to the kitchen to rifle through the cabinets yet again. There really is quite a bit of food in there but most of it's in box form and requires milk to make plastic-tasting cheese. Well, what do we have here? Spam? Really? I double-check the expiration date because I definitely don't remember buying Spam. Seems safe enough.
I don't know how to cook Spam. I don't even remember ever eating Spam. So I sliced it up and fried it in a pan. EVOO, a little spice and some pepper-co-jack cheese. Toast the bread in another pan. Mayo on one slice, Sweet Baby Ray's on the other.. Ummmmm it was absolutely awful! Culinary fail number one for the day.
After I slept off my death sandwich I decided I really was going to eat something. An entire jar of pickles sounds good. I'll have that. Oh man, there weren't as many pickles as I thought. Better go get the other jar!
Dear god! I'm ill. I need food and I need it now. Popcorn! I'll have popcorn and go to bed. It's my favorite pre-snooze snack. Whenever I'm feeling sad Josh always offers to bring me a minibag to cheer me up. And this has been a sad day, indeed!
Yay! Popcorn! Something I actually want. Can I have two minutes on the clock please, Mr. Amana? I stick my head in our giant pots and pans cabinet to get my popcorn eating bowl just as I hear popping (not popping as in corn going "pop pop pop" but rather as in "I think the fucking microwave is on fucking fire" sort of "pop pop pop"). I bash my head on the counter on my way up from the pots and pans abyss. There are lights flashing in my eyes and in the still rumbling microwave.
I pull the plug out of the wall and punch Mr. Amana in the face. Well now what? I peek back around the corner at the pantry. It's almost as if I'm planning to sneak over there or something, like doing this might help in some way.
Lightbulb! I'll just wet down my feet a little and even if the floor is not all the way dry I can still get over there and grab some food. Ha! So smart! I run to bathroom on the other side of house as if I weren't just standing three feet from the kitchen sink when I had this revelation. Wet feet. Run (not sure why I'm running again, perhaps it ties in with the "sneaking up on the pantry" plan) through living room. Fall down. Get up. Check feet for wetness. Still wet. Ok.
I make it back to the dinning room, managing to not fall down and take that first tiny step across the blue tape. Hmmmm. Doesn't feel sticky. Good. Step, step, step, pantry. Whoo-hoo! I throw the door open and grab the first thing I see and run (sigh) the eight steps back to the kitchen and notice I've grabbed something that pretty much has to cook in the microwave. Fail number, I dunno six or something.
Back to pantry. Grab. Back to kitchen. This time I've managed score a can of Campbells Chunky Clam Chowder. Yummy! Can opener, lift drop squeeze.... No click/hiss sound. Try again, lift drop squeeze.... What the deuce? No click? No hiss? It's a ring-top can but without the ring. My husband must have broke the ring off then put the can back. Zomg! Clearance too huge for can opener. Jesus H. Macy, I'm doomed! Again. Fuck!
Nonono. I'm not about to give up on Chunky, no way. I even get a pot and turn on the stove to kinda wish myself luck. Grab hammer. Grab butcher knife. Several cuts and abrasions later soup is simmering. Yes! Stir stir taste. Hmmmm. Something is wrong and I wonder if perhaps I've permanently damaged my taste buds eating garbage. Try again. Stir stir taste. Shit. Retrieve can from trash. Double shit. The label says stuff like "Salt-free!!!!!111" and "heart healthy". Whaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!
Panic panic panic. So hungry! Ok. Add sour cream (after I pour the ucky water/oil mixture that always accumulates in the sour cream tub into the trash) salt, lots of salt, pepper, garlic and the last of my taco cheese. Still taste like paper mache. That's it. I'm going to Taco Bell like I should have six hours ago when this culinary debacle started even though I really should be going to the grocery store to get proper food.
Rambling thoughts and musings of a cat-loving ghost hunter
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
O'Doyle Rules!
I can't believe it. Don't want to admit it. I'm in my thirties so it hadn't crossed my mind as a possibility. But it's true. And now I have to deal with it.
I. Have. A bully! Or a reasonable facsimile.
For those of you who don't know I am once again a full time student currently in my second term at Harrison college. New classes started last week so I'm acquainting myself with brand new material, three new instructors and some classmates I've yet to meet. Classes at Harrison are centered around participation and group learning which I love. People with my personality type tend to thrive in that type of environment. What can I say? It combines my two favorite things: learning about interesting subjects and running my mouth.
I first noticed a person had taken interest in me Tuesday of last week. I would make a comment or answer a question and would immediately here a mumble from the opposite side of the room. I didn't think too much about it; people mumble all the time. None of my business. Right? Right. Besides, I wasn't sure who was speaking let alone what was being said.
Thursday I really began to see a pattern. I identified my attacker and deciphered some of the comments. While this person voiced her overall disdain for the class, the instructor and the material at random, specific negative remarks were landing after my comments in iambic pentameter. Today the activity escalated yet another notch.
Me: atomic number = number of protons in the nucleus. atomic mass = total number of protons and neutrons.
Facsimile: pishhhahh.
Me: I remember it this way, protons = pro = positive, neutron = neu = neutral.
Facsimile: yeahwhateverthatmakesnosensewhatsoever. Sheshhhhhhh.
Me: at one point I had to memorize the table of elements. All except for the lanthanides and actinides (after being specifically asked a question by the instructor).
Facsimile: didanyoneelseunderstandanyofthat, no? Ididn'tthinkso. Pishhhhaahh!
I should probably throw in that another person in our class is so into chemistry that every time he opens his mouth even the instructor gets confused. He might as well be speaking Sanskrit. He vomited a particularly obtuse string of words that had the whole class reeling so I offered to translate for him which was well received by the entire class save one.
Facsimile: ohjesuschristyouhavetobefuckingkiddingme.
I wouldn't go so far as to say I get along with every person that knows me; I won't say that everyone I meet likes me right away. But I do know that once in awhile, every two or three years I meet someone that absolutely hates every bone in my body and wants me to know it. I know I rub some folks the wrong way so-to-speak. I'm an adult and I handle it.
A particularly difficult concept came up and I was once again specifically asked by the instructor if I had a different way to approach the subject and I said "nope". Three faces turned to me as if to ask "why not?". "I don't want to make this harder for anyone. I just don't think I can explain it so everybody will understand." Two more faces. "I don't think I have anything instructive to offer.". Five pleading faces. "Sorry", I mouthed in a whisper. "I'm done for today."
I spent the remainder of the class paying attention, answering questions in unison with the rest of my classmates, feeling dejected, smug, angry, sad and awesome at the same time. When class dismissed I gathered my things and a few fellow pupils I didn't even really know gave me a nod or smile. One girl I'd never even talked to said something along the lines of "when exactly did you take a shit in her cereal?"
As I was leaving the instructor pulled me aside, asked me to stay after for a minute. Uh-oh! I knew for a fact that I wasn't in trouble but just like it's been about a hundred years since I've had a bully it's been even longer since I've officially been asked to stay after class.
It seemed to me that everyone was taking their damn time leaving the room and I started to feel rather sick to my stomach. I had to present the first speech of the term in front of many many people I didn't know in less than two hours.
A hot mess, I was!
Hours later it seemed everyone was gone save my instructor and me. Now I really like this particular teacher; she taught two of my classes the previous quarter and we have a great rapport. She thinks and relates material a certain way because that's the way she understands it. I am her polar opposite. I process information like a young child or someone with a learning disability. I take what I find easy and build up to greater concepts utilizing mnemonic devices, movie quotes and visual diagrams. My learning techniques are often silly and funny and she likes that about me.
Ms. Awesome Instructor pleads with me not to shut down. Asks me if I know why
Facsimile is attacking me. Wants to know what I think about the whole situation and if we knew each other. I assure her I have no idea who the hell she is and wonder about it myself.
She then asked me a question that really shook me. She asked if I wanted her to take Facsimile aside and speak to her...... And I'm thinking: I'm 30 (something) years old and the teacher is keeping me after class to ask me about why I'm being bullied and do I want her to intervene.... Fuck!
No no no. I tell her I will handle it myself if the behavior continues or escalates. Besides, with an attitude like that, Facsimile will most likely quit
before the end of the term anyway.
I. Have. A bully! Or a reasonable facsimile.
For those of you who don't know I am once again a full time student currently in my second term at Harrison college. New classes started last week so I'm acquainting myself with brand new material, three new instructors and some classmates I've yet to meet. Classes at Harrison are centered around participation and group learning which I love. People with my personality type tend to thrive in that type of environment. What can I say? It combines my two favorite things: learning about interesting subjects and running my mouth.
I first noticed a person had taken interest in me Tuesday of last week. I would make a comment or answer a question and would immediately here a mumble from the opposite side of the room. I didn't think too much about it; people mumble all the time. None of my business. Right? Right. Besides, I wasn't sure who was speaking let alone what was being said.
Thursday I really began to see a pattern. I identified my attacker and deciphered some of the comments. While this person voiced her overall disdain for the class, the instructor and the material at random, specific negative remarks were landing after my comments in iambic pentameter. Today the activity escalated yet another notch.
Me: atomic number = number of protons in the nucleus. atomic mass = total number of protons and neutrons.
Facsimile: pishhhahh.
Me: I remember it this way, protons = pro = positive, neutron = neu = neutral.
Facsimile: yeahwhateverthatmakesnosensewhatsoever. Sheshhhhhhh.
Me: at one point I had to memorize the table of elements. All except for the lanthanides and actinides (after being specifically asked a question by the instructor).
Facsimile: didanyoneelseunderstandanyofthat, no? Ididn'tthinkso. Pishhhhaahh!
I should probably throw in that another person in our class is so into chemistry that every time he opens his mouth even the instructor gets confused. He might as well be speaking Sanskrit. He vomited a particularly obtuse string of words that had the whole class reeling so I offered to translate for him which was well received by the entire class save one.
Facsimile: ohjesuschristyouhavetobefuckingkiddingme.
I wouldn't go so far as to say I get along with every person that knows me; I won't say that everyone I meet likes me right away. But I do know that once in awhile, every two or three years I meet someone that absolutely hates every bone in my body and wants me to know it. I know I rub some folks the wrong way so-to-speak. I'm an adult and I handle it.
A particularly difficult concept came up and I was once again specifically asked by the instructor if I had a different way to approach the subject and I said "nope". Three faces turned to me as if to ask "why not?". "I don't want to make this harder for anyone. I just don't think I can explain it so everybody will understand." Two more faces. "I don't think I have anything instructive to offer.". Five pleading faces. "Sorry", I mouthed in a whisper. "I'm done for today."
I spent the remainder of the class paying attention, answering questions in unison with the rest of my classmates, feeling dejected, smug, angry, sad and awesome at the same time. When class dismissed I gathered my things and a few fellow pupils I didn't even really know gave me a nod or smile. One girl I'd never even talked to said something along the lines of "when exactly did you take a shit in her cereal?"
As I was leaving the instructor pulled me aside, asked me to stay after for a minute. Uh-oh! I knew for a fact that I wasn't in trouble but just like it's been about a hundred years since I've had a bully it's been even longer since I've officially been asked to stay after class.
It seemed to me that everyone was taking their damn time leaving the room and I started to feel rather sick to my stomach. I had to present the first speech of the term in front of many many people I didn't know in less than two hours.
A hot mess, I was!
Hours later it seemed everyone was gone save my instructor and me. Now I really like this particular teacher; she taught two of my classes the previous quarter and we have a great rapport. She thinks and relates material a certain way because that's the way she understands it. I am her polar opposite. I process information like a young child or someone with a learning disability. I take what I find easy and build up to greater concepts utilizing mnemonic devices, movie quotes and visual diagrams. My learning techniques are often silly and funny and she likes that about me.
Ms. Awesome Instructor pleads with me not to shut down. Asks me if I know why
Facsimile is attacking me. Wants to know what I think about the whole situation and if we knew each other. I assure her I have no idea who the hell she is and wonder about it myself.
She then asked me a question that really shook me. She asked if I wanted her to take Facsimile aside and speak to her...... And I'm thinking: I'm 30 (something) years old and the teacher is keeping me after class to ask me about why I'm being bullied and do I want her to intervene.... Fuck!
No no no. I tell her I will handle it myself if the behavior continues or escalates. Besides, with an attitude like that, Facsimile will most likely quit
before the end of the term anyway.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Pranky-pranky!
It has come to my attention that I rock trashcans! That's right, I use my superpowers for good instead of evil these days and I decoupaged (glued stuff to other stuff) the hell out of that garbage bin. I'm thinking of making an art portfolio featuring this and only this as "my work". I'll then offer my services as an "Artist" for sale on etsy.com. Photos yet to come.
But that's neither here nor there. I've called you all together because I'm ready to confess a few crimes I might have committed as a teen (high school and college). Kim, you inspired me! Names and specific locations have been omitted to protect the guilty (and the powned).
Window prank
Crew: 3-4 (you could do it with 2 if you had to but I wouldn't recommend it unless the occupants are on vacation and there's little to no police presence in the immediate area)
Tools: lock pick, credit card or spare key
Materials: 1. occupant's towels, linens and scarves 2. Anything not nailed down
Location: 3rd floor or higher apartment or dorm (also works with a second floor bedroom but again, would not recommend)
Objective: use sheets and towels to hang the occupant's possessions out the window. They either walk into what looks like a burglary where the bandits escaped via window by way of sheet or they come home from class to find their thrift shop dining set dangling on the side of the building. (Go ahead and disassemble the bed frame if there's time.) Either way it's win win!
Forkin'
Crew: depends on how much time you have
Tools: none
Materials: forks. Lots and lots of plastic forks
Location: someplace with a big ass yard (no dog)
Objective: It's pretty simple. Impale entire yard with forks (tines up or down, doesn't matter) until the yard is full or you run out of forks
Changing Rooms
Crew: 1-4
Tools: most likely none unless you need to remove table legs or headboards (I always carry a multitool and an alan wrench)
Materials: a 3-prong adapter if you choose to move the fridge
Location: house or apt interior
Objective: Take everything (not nailed down) from the living room, dining room and kitchen and put it in the bedrooms. Take everything from the bedrooms and put it in the kitchen, dining room and living room.
Note: if you decide to move the fridge stick around for awhile and make sure the breaker doesn't trip!
Other little pranks that can be fun;
Put a fake wedding announcement in the local newspaper
Put someone's house up for sale
Make fliers for free puggle puppies complete with phone instructions to only call between 11pm and 5am only
Steal a doorknob (or two)
Take the wheels off someone's car
Sign someone up for Amway, STD dating networks etc.
Disclaimer; Married with Kittehs takes no responsibility for any pranks past or present and if any of the above pranks befell you at some point, it wasn't me!
But that's neither here nor there. I've called you all together because I'm ready to confess a few crimes I might have committed as a teen (high school and college). Kim, you inspired me! Names and specific locations have been omitted to protect the guilty (and the powned).
Window prank
Crew: 3-4 (you could do it with 2 if you had to but I wouldn't recommend it unless the occupants are on vacation and there's little to no police presence in the immediate area)
Tools: lock pick, credit card or spare key
Materials: 1. occupant's towels, linens and scarves 2. Anything not nailed down
Location: 3rd floor or higher apartment or dorm (also works with a second floor bedroom but again, would not recommend)
Objective: use sheets and towels to hang the occupant's possessions out the window. They either walk into what looks like a burglary where the bandits escaped via window by way of sheet or they come home from class to find their thrift shop dining set dangling on the side of the building. (Go ahead and disassemble the bed frame if there's time.) Either way it's win win!
Forkin'
Crew: depends on how much time you have
Tools: none
Materials: forks. Lots and lots of plastic forks
Location: someplace with a big ass yard (no dog)
Objective: It's pretty simple. Impale entire yard with forks (tines up or down, doesn't matter) until the yard is full or you run out of forks
Changing Rooms
Crew: 1-4
Tools: most likely none unless you need to remove table legs or headboards (I always carry a multitool and an alan wrench)
Materials: a 3-prong adapter if you choose to move the fridge
Location: house or apt interior
Objective: Take everything (not nailed down) from the living room, dining room and kitchen and put it in the bedrooms. Take everything from the bedrooms and put it in the kitchen, dining room and living room.
Note: if you decide to move the fridge stick around for awhile and make sure the breaker doesn't trip!
Other little pranks that can be fun;
Put a fake wedding announcement in the local newspaper
Put someone's house up for sale
Make fliers for free puggle puppies complete with phone instructions to only call between 11pm and 5am only
Steal a doorknob (or two)
Take the wheels off someone's car
Sign someone up for Amway, STD dating networks etc.
Disclaimer; Married with Kittehs takes no responsibility for any pranks past or present and if any of the above pranks befell you at some point, it wasn't me!
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